Hanging On To Jesus
For the last six months I have been in a really hard place with God. I was feeling really discouraged. For seven years I have been struggling with severe menopause symptoms and anxiety. He promised me healing many years earlier but still this has not happened. Ministering and even visiting people while feeling awful is hard but you learn to suck it up and put on a brave front regardless. To the outside world I am fine but in my own space I am not. My relationship with God had taken a backwards turn. I was still managing to read a passage of Scripture each day and thank God for the things He had promised me (as a means of not letting go of my promises) but that was all I had been able to muster for the last few months. I used to put songs of worship on and sit with Him and spend time in His presence but lately I have felt that I had been too deflated to even try. Most of the time you believe He is there by faith and spend that time in that belief with Him, but without actually experiencing His presence every time you do (as it only happens on occasions) I felt like it was a burden and that I was striving so I just stopped.
A few years ago I had skin cancer and a large portion of my upper lip removed. The plastic surgeon informed me that I would need reconstruction surgery before the operation. In the end I never needed this as the end result (even after having a third operation) was satisfactory. I have another appointment in a few months to see another plastic surgeon as I have a couple more growths which if cancerous could result in having to have significant chunks being removed from my lower lip and nose. Nose cancer surgeries usually result in a skin graft and some can turn out great whilst others do not. I keep telling myself it worked out fine last time so hopefully it will again this time, but even more so am hoping these ones won’t be cancerous at all and will not even need excisions. Worrying about this just exacerbated my other issues.
The ministry itself was also causing me to lose hope in the power and promises of God. Lately anyone I was ministering to didn’t seem to experience any change whatsoever. Sessions were great but afterward when the people were back home they were no better. I felt like the Ministry was a dud, my walk with God was failing and I would be stuck like this in my physical body forever. Throughout all this the enemy was in my head condemning me – telling me that my relationship with God had also failed, that I was no good, that I had blown my chance and that God was not pleased with me. If I tried to talk to anyone about how I felt (without them meaning to) I would also end up feeling condemned. Most would tell me just to trust, or to proclaim and declare, rebuke and pray. It is not their fault that they do this, they are trying to help but only God can know what each and everyone needs in their time of need. To be honest I was simply to sad and tired to fight anymore.
Yesterday I received a phone call from a friend. She was ringing to ask my advice about a word she had received from God. I helped her and then at the end of the phone call I told her how I was feeling. What she said was amazing and helped me so much that I decided to write an article to help someone else who is in this state of helplessness and feeling like they had disappointed God. This is what she said to me, “Tania you are still reading your Bible even though you feel like this – take that as a win. Tania you are still thanking God everyday for the things He has promised you – take that as a win. You are still ministering to other people even though you yourself are broken and feel the way you feel – take that as a win. Tania you have encouraged me every time I have come to you, and you have helped me so much in my Christian walk – take that as a win. Tania you haven’t let go of Jesus even though you are feeling like this – take that as a win. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t been doing what you normally do – you haven’t let him go or given up or walked away – take that as win.”
No one had ever said that to me before. More often than not people in their attempt to help, tell you what to do and sometimes that just makes you feel like you are even more of a failure. My friend didn’t do this, instead she simply encouraged me. She didn’t tell me to do more, or to do something that I couldn’t or hadn’t, she just simply showed me ‘the good’ that I still had in my relationship with God. That last sentence where she spoke ‘you haven’t let Him go’ reverberated through me and in that moment I knew God had sent her and was speaking through her to me.
I started to cry and when I hung up the phone I wept harder. I knew in that moment that God wasn’t upset with me, and that He wasn’t disappointed in me. He then reiterated to me the Scripture ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick’ and I knew that He understood and wasn’t displeased with me at all. In fact what I felt in that moment was that He was pleased with me because I hadn’t let go of Jesus. I still had faith in Jesus no matter what.
If you are being condemned by the enemy right now that you have failed God let me reassure you – if you are still hanging onto Jesus (no matter by how small a thread) you have not, and He is pleased with you. The Bible says that without faith it is impossible to please God. If you are still hanging on to Jesus you have faith in Him which means you have pleased God! I then remembered how God had once told me that what He looks for is those who never give up and never let Him go no matter the trials and circumstances. It is in this place that He can raise you up. When you have been cut down to a stump and allowed Him to reign in you, that is when you receive new life.
Immediately after writing this I felt an overwhelming desire to put on worship music and sing to my Lord and Saviour. In that moment the Lord Jesus spoke to me and this is what I believe He said, “Pleasing God. Without faith it is impossible to please God. Faith in Jesus pleases God. If you believe God is not pleased with you because of all the things you haven’t done it can become a blockage on your end to receiving all I have for you. Worship releases My presence and My anointing and it dismantles the power of the enemy. Worship is a weapon given to you by Me. A gift that God has given to you for your benefit. When you don’t worship or praise Me you can enter into self-pity, heaviness and despair. Worship is given for you, not for Me. You put on the garment of praise for heaviness. When you enter into self-pity you stop worshipping and praising Me. You enter into self-worship, or worshipping of self and self needs. You start to look inward instead of outward at Me. Worship is a gift. How do you enter into My Heavenly courts? Through praise and thanksgiving. Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name. For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations (Psalm 100, KJV). Keep worshipping and praising Me as this removes the garment of heaviness. Heaviness prevents you from hearing Me through the fog. Heaviness is a blockage and while you are in this place you may not be able to hear directly or receive from Me. It isn’t because I have stopped talking or blessing you, it is because the blockage prevents you from receiving or hearing from Me directly. Although you haven’t yet received My promises that I have given to you, removing the garment of heaviness makes it easier for you to move forward into the place that I have prepared for you”.
For all those reading this who have been waiting for God I truly believe His help and the fulfilment of His promises He has given to each and everyone of us is just around the corner. Keep hoping, but most of all keep hanging on to Jesus for the best is yet to come!
(PRAYER) – “Father, Son and Holy Spirit I come before You and repent for self-pity and self-worship. I repent for looking inward and not outward at You. I repent for not using Your gift of worship, praise and thanksgiving as a weapon and as a means to enter into the courts of Heaven where you are seated at the Throne of Grace. I am sorry I believed You were not pleased with me which became a blockage for me to receiving all You have for me. Your word says that faith in Jesus pleases God and by me not letting go of Jesus means I have faith pleasing to You. I command that thick fog of heaviness, self-pity, depression, tiredness and hopelessness to go in Jesus name.”
***** Put on some worship music and start worshipping and praising God.
By Tania Francis